It's Not Fine

It’s Not Fine

This piece of music is my personal response to hearing about one of my former students being abused as a younger child.  The student had told me of the abuse and how it affected them for years afterward, and it upset me very much.  One night I sat down at my piano and tried to capture how I was feeling about the whole thing, resulting in the opening piano motif.  I then wrote a short song as the basis for the rest of the piece.  The lyrics of that song depict a conversation an abused child might have with themselves in the calm hours following an… incident.    

After experiencing quiet and emptiness in the introductory bars, the child then hums the song mentioned above beginning at measure 26 as a kind of comforting lullaby to themselves.  Though the child tries to avoid confronting reality in the song directly, the anger and helplessness they feel starts to bubble to the surface starting at measure 42.  Their loneliness can be felt in the sustained pitches of measure 57 and a tear falls in measure 64.  Measure 72 is an expression of hope for an end to the abuse mixed with their pain that climaxes without resolution.  The conductor should take their time with the fermata at measure 81, as a child not sure what else to do.  The coda then shows the child drifting off, still unresolved, still hurting, yet needing and desiring the peace of sleep. 

Musically, I was inspired by “Lost in You” by Árstíðir (Arstidir) as a basis for the structure and mood of the piece.  Also, though this piece is currently in the key of E minor due to technical considerations, I originally wrote it in F# minor.  I think the piece in F# minor gives you a sadder and more longing sonority, whereas the E minor version is angrier and more insistent.  Each person will have a different interpretation of which key is “best” depending on their experiences, so if you are interested in performing the piece in the original key, please contact the publisher or myself directly at szubacs@gmail.com and simply ask for it.   

Listen to It's Not Fine